Sometimes, I think that my life is the hardest it’s ever been, but even then it’s not as hard as so many other people’s lives. There are those in bigger debt than me, those is much more squalid living conditions, those in very real fear that a random bomb may kill their children/family. My life is not where I would like it to be or anywhere near where I unrealistically expected it to be, and though this is a major trigger to my more depressive episodes, I am starting to see that it is not necessarily the major cause of my overall depression.
I have hit a really low point in my thoughts recently, a spot I have only visited less than a handful of times in my life. The bright spots are starting to show themselves more, and I am trying to make a more active effort to not just seeing, but knowing the positive aspects of my life.
It’s difficult some days. Some days I wish sleep would take over the waking moments. Even the shining moments of life cannot pull me completely out because I seem to be expecting too much of those moments and nothing of myself. Like reaching for ray of light from a cloud, it is too far, too small because the point of the ray of light is not the ray itself, but everything it illuminates.
Anyway, when I have to make a bookmark folder labeled “Recipes I’ll probably never try” I know that life cannot be that bad for me on the outside of my brain and body.